I Am A TV Junkie

3 Revelations Re: the #ChelseaHandler #SexTape Explanation (no, her swinging breasts aren't 2 of them)

No, no, no, this is not the blog where you'll read the florid description from RadarOnline.com about her breasts swinging around while being entered from behind by a man sporting a ... huge tool Prince Albert British accent.

Breasts. Ew. Nah, kidding of course, I was breast-fed after all.

If you haven't heard I read it first at HuffPo but it's a Radar Exclusive (though sex + Chelsea = nothing exclusive, apparently) and you can read about it at their site at this link.

Short version: The tape starts with her doing her stand-up act to a home vid camera, then there's a bunch of doggy-style sex in the middle with some alleged Brit with nice forearms (that's all I can tell from the single image from Radar, which you can see here to the left), then more stand-up, then it ends. Her mgmt. team (the Huvanes, same as Jen Aniston, she of the crotch shot late night talk show interview -- check these two links) say she used to send this vid on VHS out to comedy club owners to drum up gigs.

Oh, so that makes it okay? Is the entire world just going fucking crazy?

Since when is it appropriate or a good thing or an explanation for anything that some woman is sending out videos of herself fucking to get work? Add to that Handler's history of bedding Ted Harbert from E! Networks/Comcast (which I contend started after her first E! series was canceled and the second was -- surprise! -- greenlighted, and it gets even creepier.

Next I predict we'll find out how Chelsea paid for a bunch of cab rides in the 1990s when she erred and ended up on an old Taxicab Confessions. Now I get why the bag boy always brings her groceries to the car at Whole Foods. And the line of pizza delivery guys at her front door? Completely understood.

It's her currency, babe!

I haven't even gotten to the three things mentioned in the headline, click over the jumperoo for that and more.

Bravo's A-List Awards: Seriously, That Drunk Whore on E! is Funnier Than Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Ricky Gervais, Conan O'Brien?

"One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong."

Did she put on a men's suit, down a fifth of Grey Goose and blow every gay man who voted?

Or, was it that she was the only one who would show up for the show?

Because I bet both of those answers come very close to the truth.

And get this ... I recorded her mess of a show the other day (about a week ago) because Josh Radnor was on, and he seldom does the talk shows, and he revealed that she's also a Republican.

A female comic drunk slut who's shtupping the man who decided if her show stays on the air is a Republican? Well, that kind of makes sense.

Betcha she doesn't even really know why she is a Republican. Probably because Ted is. I hate women like that.

So, I'm challenging her to a public debate on her political ideology right here right now. No jokes, no personal insults (much more of a problem for her than me, because stupid people always fall back on the personal insult when they can't defend their positions) ... just a discussion of policy and ideology.

(BTW, the drunk slut/whore charge may seem an insult, too, but what do YOU call someone who constantly wants a glass of vodka in her hands and is trading sex for money?)

Maybe the drunk whore on E! is a Republican because she likes the teabagging.

Betcha Ted loves that she loves teabagging. Maybe it's how she keeps getting renewed.

Pay no attention to the winner of these awards. It's not a meritocracy, certainly, it's just who will sit in the theatre for that long.

Did she have a flask with her? Can she go anywhere without one? I think she drinks to drown the memories of the whore-y behavior she's had to engage in to get as far as she has, which thankfully so far is just a basic cable show she gets to do because she lets an E! decision maker do her.

And if we all work very very hard we can avoid it and her. And I welcome you to do such.

(Seriously, if she were the least bit funny I would encourage it but she just rehashes the tabloids and says mean things, which makes her no more that a celebrity blogger with run of a TV studio.)

Another Day, Another Dirty Sexy Money Headline Retread

Because we who sit in front of keyboards just can't help ourselves. Like me.

NY Mag Vulture Blog talks to Seth Gabel (Jeremy Darling):

A lot of the promotions for the upcoming season have been saying it’s "dirtier, sexier, moneyer." So what can we expect?
There will be another wedding. And there’s some people getting killed. There’s a lot going on with Simon Elder and his threat to the Darling name and the Darling company. And Jeremy also matures a lot without his sister — she’s still a presence on the show, but her character has gone off to an island. Without each other in the picture, they’re forced to reveal a different side of themselves. What I love about the writers is that they have people meet that wouldn’t normally meet. Jeremy will end up talking to Simon Elder. Also, Trip Darling meeting Carmelita and them having an exchange ends up really revealing something about each of them.

Also, Candis Cayne was on the show hosted by"that drunk slut" last night and looked fabulous (such great hair). Can't find a clip online. Yet. Maybe later. I'll keep looking.

And, catch my post on the season premiere at this link.

That Drunk Slut on E! Tells the World What We Already Know

Oh, Chelsea Handler, don't call Ted Harbert the same nickname that you give to Chuy

I'm sure Ted doesn't appreciate your being called a little nugget.

But I do thank you for telling the ladies of The View today that you trade sex for your job at E!

Because people think I'm kidding when I tell them.

Dark Knight's Gary Oldman Tells Carrie Keegan: "It's F**king Awesome!"

Talking about The Dark Knight.

Sure, sure. Yeah, okay. Oh, and by the way, Gary, the proper construction of that sentence is "They're f**king awesome."

Oh, he really was talking about The Dark Knight.

"Well, That's very different.

"Never mind"

(Miss you, Gilda.)

BTW, Carrie's on E! on Wednesday night the 23rd with some drunk slut at 11:30 pm.

And of course, Carrie's feature in Playboy is at this link.

And now, boys and girls, but mostly boys (and the gays that love her), the clip.

LINK

And, because you're thinking about him right now, too, after the jump, Carrie's Heath Ledger Interview from the I'm Not There press tour.

(Miss you too, Heath.)

Advertising Age: Chelsea Lately Not Yet There

And they're being nice about it, trust me, I've been checking in on the show lately since I wrote about Chelsea's relationship with E! chair Ted Harbert.

They say:

Although Chelsea Handler is an accomplished comedian and actress, her performance so far as host of E! Network's new "Chelsea Lately" has been anything but stunning.

They don't say much more. Click over if you must, but there's not much there.

In fact, there isn't a lot of anyone talking about the show. I can't imagine the ratings are all that hot. Certainly they don't reach the levels The Soup does. I understand the idea of putting a woman's voice in late night, but I wish they would have given the slot and the money to a nightly edition of Joel McHale and his friends.

And you know, what's her motivation for making the show better? Is her boyfriend going to fire her? Because if he does, I don't see any relationship surviving that, do you? He knows that, she knows that, and as far as I can tell it's a recipe for bad to happen.

You know who else knows? We do. You should never let your boyfriend give you a TV show with your name on it.

Notice they don't call it Big Brother with Julie Chen.

(SF Chronicle photo by Darryl Bush)

If I Only Knew That Chelsea Handler Was Shtupping Her Boss ...

 ... I might not have bothered at all with her. But it's apparently true.

Chelsea, that's just ... icky.

If I were Chelsea, I'd be looking over my shoulder to see what Kim Kardashian is doing (see post directly below).

And here I thought you got that job because they thought you were funny.

Don't think I'll be watching anymore. Have that scary looking guy from OK Magazine on every night if you want.

Ep Two of Chelsea Lately Better Than Last

Much better panel. And Scott Baio, right off his debut last Sunday, with Harlan Williams, who was really holding back in this crowd. He should have just taken over the thing.

The taped piece was okay.

Good guest for basic cable day two. Leah Remini hired Chelsea to do some online content with her and they showed a clip.

It's not always such a great interview when the people know each other, strangely enough. Too much inside stuff. Boring.

I'll check in to see who's on the panel each night before choosing between first-run Colbert and Family Guy on [adult swim].

I'm a little disappointed that it wasn't more innovative and host-centric.

Chelsea Lately Pop Quiz -- Why Did it Suck?

Was it:

1. Format
2. Panel Guests
3. Set
4. Topics
5. Chelsea

Make your selection, leave a comment below. I gotta try it a couple more times before I write the obituary.

Chelsea Lately Premieres in Moments in the East

And I expect you all to watch the first woman to have her own late-night show since Joan Rivers in the early 80s on Fox.

It's your homework, we will have a pop quiz tomorrow.

Here's their webpage.

Punchline Mag Talks to New Late Night Host Chelsea Handler

Our pal Dylan at PunchlineMagazine.com has a new piece up about Chelsea Handler, who is hosting E!'s entry into the latenight arena, which I have to say is a good thing. I believe the last woman who appeared on a latenight talk show regularly was Joan Rivers, back in the days when I used to write Heidi Abramowitz jokes for her.

Here's Chelsea talking about the neighborhood she grew up in:

Well, we grew up in this upper middle class Jewish neighborhood. And so we were surrounded by all these people who had money. And all my friends’ parents drove around in Mercedes and BMWs. And my family was so not that way. My father was a used car dealer and had awful cars in my driveway my entire childhood. It was to the point that you would have people drop you off down the street, because you didn’t want them to see your driveway.

And, so, I never felt like I fit in with the rest of the town. So the comedy came from that. It was me constantly being embarrassed about my family. My dad was Jewish, and my mom was Mormon, and they told me to choose what I want to be when I was five, like I had any idea. My sister was like, ‘Listen, there’s no drinking, no smoking, no partying and no sex, or you can get presents eight days in a row. I’m like, ‘I think I’ll take the dreidel, thank you.’ 

Here's a clip from her Comedy Central special where she skewers romantic comedies:

Chelsea also appears on a Wednesday edition of Thank God You're Here this week.

Thank You, ABC, For Supporting Kimmel With Some Promo Money

So I'm watching that absolutely abysmal Halfway Home the other night on Comedy Central when I spied a rare thing indeed, a spot cable commercial buy for Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Nice to see ABC supporting the show with some promotion. You never really know what's gonna be up in late-night with some conjecture that Leno will not leave when promised, Conan may move as a result, and there would be eyes up for grabs.

Certainly, it will be interesting to see what Chelsea Handler can do with some nightly late-night action starting in July (you know, her own show on E!, not anonymous sex with the dregs of society, Chelsea!). I've been wondering when some network was going to give a woman a late-night show. I thought, actually, it would be Rosie on Lifetime a couple years ago when I thought of the idea, but now Rosie is making ABC and Barbara Walters very wealthy in daytime, so I guess that won't happen.

Let me do my part for Kimmel. Here's something fun to watch, some more "Great Moments in Unnecessary Censorship." Look for the tiniest little bit of Sanjaya at the end of it (and even though he does appear at the end with Cowell, I'm here to tell you that if you use the word Sanjaya in a post, your blog's page views will skyrocket):